Random Musings… that may or may not make much sense!


I was thinking, while sitting down listening to the hubbub around me.

In the recent days I have not liked having time to sit and think; it brings about memories and thoughts of my grandad and they usually make me sad or start the tears again. This of course is not conducive in public. While I know everyone would understand my situation, they would politely look the other way while I wiped away the tears, I don’t really like the idea of wandering about with a snot covered face and liquid sadness dribbling down my face.

So, when I found myself thinking I nearly stopped myself and gave my brain something constructive to do, fold the washing, plan the christmas family dinner or decide what to buy for christmas presents… but even those thoughts tend to lead back to the area I don’t wish to dwell on. Instead, I paused and considered what I was trying to stop.

Do I hide my grief?

Why?

I find it easier to remember him and allow my tears to fall in the still, suffocating darkness of the night. Is it that this is the time I have allowed for my grief, is it that grief shies away from broad daylight, or that it’s socially unacceptable to cry and wail in public/while at work/doing the grocery shopping?

Am I unconsciously conforming to some rule?

I found in the first few days after his passing that I was on some sort of rollercoaster. The almost panic-like state as I would realise the tidal wave of grief was rearing its ugly head again. This, just before that incredibly fast and scary decent into the sorrow, before the pain would wash over me, dragging me however reluctantly into its depths before slowly, painfully drowning me. Then, the slow and plodding, laboured climb back out of the depths of sorrow and grief like the slow crawling the carts of the rollercoaster make as you climb that first great height.

Rinse and repeat… or so the shampoo bottle says. It so went with the rollercoaster ride of grief.

So, why then, in the last few days, have I been able to (consciously or unconsciously) push this vicious cycle out of my every day life – the life that gallops along without my grandad – and push it into the dark night-time, when I can grieve in private?

Is it just the simple, life must go on? It waits for nobody. If I don’t go along with it, I’ll be left behind?

I’m not sure.

I suppose grief is a very individual thing. Perhaps I don’t wish to share it with everyone? (Why then would I be blogging about it?!) I think perhaps, partially some of the personal nature of seeing someone grieve in public, right in front of you is too much for most people to handle. They don’t know what to do. I know I didn’t when others went through this. So perhaps, as I have been before I wish to spare people that uncomfortable unknowningness (is that a word?) of what to do (or not do) with a person who openly grieves in front of you.

Mmm… I might think more on this later, when it’s not so fresh, not so painful.

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8 thoughts on “Random Musings… that may or may not make much sense!

  1. I think Kathy got it spot on when she said, “Western society doesn’t seem to be comfortable with death as a part of life.” It’s not that you’re embarrassed to cry; but embarrassed at having to deal with others reactions.

    My mum went back to work a while after my brother died, and she noticed people’s attitudes changed. They would say something in earshot like, “My son just…oh, never mind.”, and then give her a look. But she said – as Dianne did – that what they said wouldn’t set her off, but something random and unrelated would.

    I have a US friend who didn’t tell anyone but her closest friends that her husband had died for years afterwards. She didn’t want to deal with other people’s reactions when she was having such a hard time with her own, I guess.

    It’s a stormy sea you’re cast adrift on, but trust us who have been there and sailed the waters already when we say: It does get better. Slowly, slowly, it does get better. But it never fades completely (My brother died 20 years ago and I still miss him). You will always look back and see the storm clouds following you, ready to overwhelm you, but your ability to reach calm waters gets easier.

  2. I wish I was at home reading this – instead I’m sitting in a garage waiting for a wheel alignment on my car and trying so hard not to sob.
    I was just like this when my father died a couple of years ago. Rollercoaster is the exact word! I would find I’d burst into tears for no apparent reason (other than the obvious) at the drop of a hat. Then after a while I’d think I was okay but it was like walking along and then falling into a hole. Weird things would set me off, like a song or a word or something on the tv. I truly feel your pain.

    Believe me when I say it won’t be like this forever. Now it hits me sometimes (like reading this post today) but the emotions are not as raw as they were back then and I now have more control.

    Big hugs and a load of love go to you from me today…

    • Thanks Dianne!

      I have found its not even words or songs or something specific, like yesterday I was on my way out to Fyshwick with hubs and seeing the long dry, golden grass swaying in the fields set me off. It is a horrible feeling of being out of control.

      I can only imagine what my grandma must be feeling 😦

  3. Hi C2W
    My sympathies to you and your family. I’m sorry to hear you’re dealing with the loss of such a precious person in your life. Both my granddads have passed away and I still get the occasional tear.

    All I can do is offer distractions – let me know when you are up to meeting for coffee or dinner.

    Big hugs
    Mel

  4. C2W, I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your Grandad. Reading what you have written, he obviously had a big influence on you and your life growing up. It’s only right to miss him and feel sad that he is now gone!
    Western society doesn’t seem to be comfortable with death as a part of life. As a result, we are uncomfortable with grief, and with those that are grieving. It’s sad, as I think grief is important, as it is a way of acknowledging that yes, this person was important to me, and yes, I am going to miss them very much. I lost a very close, long-time friend very suddenly earlier this year, and grieved for him so much. I tried to fight it at times, and found that if I didn’t cry or feel sad during waking hours it would spill into my dreams, or completely taint my view of the world. After a while, I felt less guilty being sad and teary- after all, it’s not really hurting anyone else, and it’s part of a process that seems unavoidable when we lose someone we love.
    Hugs and best wishes xx

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