A few weeks ago…
Not long after my last visit to see my grandparents, I was told my grandfather was pretty ill. We had been expecting this news for a while, he’s been getting worse for quite some time, but it was still a sad shock regardless.
A week ago…
I was told that my grandfather’s heart was only working at 15% capacity and that if he were to have another heart attack or lose consciousness that the doctors wouldn’t risk reviving him because he wouldn’t survive the possible broken ribs.
A day ago…
I was told that my grandfather was being moved to palliative care because he can no longer look after himself. That he doesn’t have long left and to contact the family to come and see him.
I am making the 7 hour road trip to say goodbye.
Goodbye…it seems so small, so incomplete, so…final.
He probably won’t be awake, or so I have been told. He is rarely awake these days. One day, he just won’t wake up at all, ever again. They say that it’s a peaceful way to go, but I can’t help but feel cheated.
Cheated because I will no longer have my grandad, the beautiful, loving man in my life. The one who took me rabbiting up in the hills with ferrets, the one who when we spent hours in vain trying to catch one, but not succeeding, still laughed and sang songs on the way home. This incredibly jovial Irish man who would sing his Irish songs and tell exciting stories about his childhood growing up in Ireland and moving to England, then finally Australia.
I will no longer have the sweet little old man, who, on my wedding day, cried tears of both happiness and sadness. His granddaughter was growing up and starting a family of her own.
Now, I won’t be able to introduce my future children to my special Irish leprechaun, they will never meet him.
I never knew how much it hurt to lose someone special in your life. I have been blessed to get to the age that I am with one set of grandparents still alive, the others passing away while I was too young to understand.
Maybe this makes losing him now that much harder, maybe it makes it that much sadder.
I don’t really know, what I do know is that when he does take his last breath, he will be taking a part of my heart with him.
I will always be grateful for the time we did have together, I know it would never feel like enough. I will always wish it could have been longer and sweeter and less painful towards the end, and I will always think fondly upon the great memories I forged with him.
I don’t want to say goodbye!
I love you and I already miss you Grandad!